Short and Wobbly Legs

Yesterday, I took you for a walk – yes, you walked, holding on to one of my hands, but otherwise all by yourself. You’ve done this before, but never quite so enthusiastically and quite so far. We went up to the next street, then around the corner to our parallel street and then down that street. You made it ¾ of the way down, before refusing to take another step, almost halfway around the block.

When we came back to our house, you plunked yourself down and started playing with the little rocks on our new pebble path, got a clump of earth in your mouth and ate some of the soil before you decided you didn’t like it and tried to scrape if off your tongue.

You then also walked about 5 steps all by yourself!

Pretty soon 5 steps won’t seem like much anymore, but for now it’s enough to make us all excited. And yes, I do realize that the more serious running around after you is about to start. Not only can you get up the stairs by yourself, you have been trying to get down by yourself, too – forwards, like regular people and not backwards like babies, and you are not all that interested in learning how to get down backwards. I guess that’s what boring babies do? Or maybe sane ones….

And pretty soon, we’ll be adding can-run-headfirst-into-the-street to that list right alongside and-doesn’t-have-the-sense-to-know-any-better.

Mama is home!

Yesterday, you were sitting on Papa’s lap on the porch when I came home from work. You didn’t recognize the car or me in it, but you sure recognized me when I got out. Started making noisy happy squeals and waving your arms, and just got pretty excited to see me.

You have no idea how nice that was – work was kinda stressful and in the mornings, you’re more likely to scratch us than to be happy with us. Though you did kiss me good-bye when I left, with the usual wide open mouth, all wet and enthusiastic.

I do miss you when I am at work!

The Blood that Binds

Supposedly, anyway. Poor Babyfreak, more muttering about Oma. For you.

You seem to be enjoying her quite a bit, and you should. Plus, you’re still mainly clueless and like just about anyone who comes to our house. Or we run into on the street. Or we see out of the window. And if someone pays attention to you, you like them even more!

I, on the other hand, am not quite as people-loving, especially not when I disagree with pretty much everything that a person does, or says, and have disagreed with for a long time. You know, I am glad for you and her to get some time together and it sure is nice to have her take you for walks – you like it and it gives Papa and me some time alone, some time away from you (and yes, we do love you, more than you can possibly know, but you can be quite a handful and it’s just nice to sit alone quietly, even if only for an hour….). Anyway, most importantly, it gives us time away from her. Which we need, badly. Makes me want to fake a business trip again, just like I did a few years ago when Papa was sort of living at my place but still had his own apartment and we fled there to get away from a nasty houseguest we had… Yes, I know this is not nice, but I don’t often subscribe to this ‘if-you-can’t-say-anything-nice-don’t-say-anything-at-all nonsense.

She doesn’t think you need to wear sunscreen or a hat – not sure whether she’s not aware of the dangers of too much sun or whether she just wants to make you hardier, but you’d think that she’d want to keep you safe and healthy…. She also thinks it’s ok for you to take your first bumbling steps holding on to only one hand in the middle of a construction site, our backyard, with glass and nails and all kinds of debris scattered around. Apparently, you’ll “have to learn!”, and yes, you will have to learn, but can it not wait until you’ve got a bit more sense? And are a little less wobbly? Besides, even if she thinks it’s ok and if that’s very much the way your Auntie Anja and I grew up - and according to her, we turned out ok - it doesn’t mean that she gets to decide how to keep you safe. Though she sure does – started arguing with me when I asked her to not let you walk around in the mess that is our yard.

And I guess that’s what gets to me most, this constant argumentative and obstinate bickering of hers. Thankfully, she is not in charge of my life anymore and I sure won’t let her be in charge of yours. I don’t think she has a clue that a big part of me leaving in the first place and then never moving back there has to do with what qualified for parenting when I grew up. And yeah, you may argue that I should have gotten over it and moved on to a mature daughter-mother relationship, but it takes two to get there. And you know, our relationship is much better from a distance – I can usually tolerate the occasional phone call, at the very least I can hang up if it begins to bother me, and sometimes I even like talking to her. I also know that she didn’t really mean us any harm and that she had a lot to deal with, but I guess somehow it’s easier to keep that in mind when she’s not right there in my face. And I do appreciate all the help she gave me with paying back my student loans and all that stuff – and I do want to maintain some sort of relationship with her, but it’s just so damn difficult.

I am also not sure you should be reading this, ever, but I guess I won’t have to tell you unless I want to. And I do need to get some of this out, not by talking (though that helps, too), but by writing it down. Seems to have some sort of cathartic effect on me.

Anyway, Oma is quite enjoying you and you are enjoying her, so that’s all good. And no worries, Papa and I will protect you from her attempts at making you hardy (or whatever she’s trying to do by not worrying whether or not you get a sunburn or kill yourself by falling head first into a rusty nail), so hopefully you’ll only get the best of her. The last few days, you’ve been quite excited to realize every morning that she’s still there – I guess it must be weird, being so completely clueless about most things that go on. All of a sudden, another person lives with us! How did that happen? Are you going to notice when all of a sudden she’s going to be gone? Are you going to be able to let us know that you’ve noticed?

Other than that, you’re starting to walk with holding on to one hand only, and you’re getting a wee bit more snugly! You’re also getting two more teeth, bringing your grand total to 14!

Kleine Raupe Nimmersatt!

Sunday afternoon, in the span of about 2 hours, you had:

 both boobs, twice
 a bunch of cottage cheese
 almost an entire apple
 handfuls of Cheerios
 more than half a cup of water, in one sip
 and 3/4 of a barbequed chicken breast!

Then you had more boob just before going to bed an hour after dinner.

I love it when you nurse in the morning and have a belly full of milk that sloshes around noisily when I bounce you on my knees.

Oma M. is coming tomorrow…. I’m sure you’ll be excited, after all, you loooooove people of all sorts! The more people, the better, as far as you’re concerned. Papa and I still are not sure how we ended up with the crazy little extrovert you turned out to be, but I’m glad for you. At least no one is ever going to think you’re boring or arrogant just because you’re quietly minding your own business….

Do you even remember her from last October when she was here? Probably not, since you were only 4 months old then, already able to stand up with some help, and your hair still standing on edge. You liked her then (but hey, you like pretty much everyone) and she sure liked you! Quite the proud Oma, taking you out with your stroller for little walks. And quite a different attitude toward you from when we first told her I was pregnant. Sheesh, I still feel my blood beginning to boil when I think back to that…. There are so many mothers of grown-up children who can’t wait to be grandmothers or who are at least excited when they hear there’s a new baby on the way – what does mine do??? Freak out completely, and not in a nice way! Apparently she was in complete shock because she had herself convinced that I was not to have kids, EVER, and then she couldn’t deal with it when we told her about you. Makes me sad to even think about it now….. but you know, it’s like I told you yesterday, hopefully you and I will have a much better relationship! I’ll work my ass off to make sure I don’t turn into my mother, that’s for sure, and I’ve instructed Papa to keep an eye on me to help make sure that won’t happen.

And you know, I really don’t just want to bitch and bitch and bitch to you about her, but this, unfortunately, is your family history little Bunny, and you will hear about it and you will have to live with it. Sorry :)

And I am glad that you’ll be happy to see her. She’s your Oma and not your mother and she lives far far far away, so I’m sure things will work out much better for you and her than they did/do for me and her. And to be honest, it will be nice for me to see you with her and I am looking forward to at least that part.

But I sure hope you will never, NEVER you hear, feel about me the way I feel about her.

I guess I really should have started this a long time ago, but now that you’re about to turn 1 and we’ve just had our very first Mother’s Day together is not such a bad time either. It’s a bit frightening, to me if to no one else, that I’m about to embark on this – gushing about all the cute (and not so cute) little things you do, given that I can’t stand people who do this all day long to just about everyone they happen to run into! I don’t actually think I have become one of those, and I guess I’m also doing it to preserve all those memories of the little things. Things so small they’d get lost in the nooks and crannies of our lives together. And I’m also doing it to get out all those weird issues that have come so much closer again ever since we’ve had you – my relationship to my own family, dysfunctional as we were/are.

And hey, maybe one day I’ll even let you read this. Maybe when you have kids on your own? Not that I’m ready to even begin to think about that, but I do realize that you won’t always be my little Bunny. You will of course, but I guess not in the way you are now.

But yeah, so there we are, you’re about to have your very first birthday! The last year has just flown by, a wonderful whirlwind of the sweet newborn smell - tiny feet and hands - you and I learning how to breastfeed, loving the closeness off it though at times objecting to you taking soooo long to finish – watching Papa care for you and play with you and snuggle with you - carrying you around for what seemed to be hours as that was the only thing to keep you from crying in those early days - hearing your fist gurgles and giggles – singing and humming you to sleep - watching you grow 4 inches (at least!) overnight – crying with you when you cried - seeing your first teeth come in at your 100th day – letting you sleep on my shoulder – giving you your first spoonfuls of ‘real’ food, oatmeal cereal - witnessing you learning how to sit and learning how to stand and pull up, and watching you make your rounds around the coffee table over and over and over again – watching you figure out how to crawl - hearing you say ‘Mama’ and knowing you have no clue what it means and feeling my heart skip at least two beats – snuggling with you, at first with you as a willing participant and now forcing you into it for short moments, whatever time you can be coerced into sparing in your busy day of exploring, discovering, learning and playing – realizing you understand both ‘no’ and ‘nein’, ‘Komm her’ and ‘come here’ – watching you sleep – letting you test your limits, over and over again – seeing you get all excited when you see people or kids or dogs – letting you make me laugh - just being with you!

There’s so much more I could add to this list! Like how you’ve just started to wander around the dining room on your own (well, by holding on to and pushing one of our dining room chairs). Like how you gave me my very first bruised eye by banging into me with the back of your head one weekend morning in bed. Or how you’re finally able to laugh out loud when I tickle you with my chin along your ribs. Or how you’re slimming down now that you are so busy walking and crawling. Or, how this past weekend, you actually did end up snuggling with me on your own free will. Not for long, mind you, but it made me smile.

I guess just having had this Mother’s Day and having Oma M. come for a visit in a few days has made me think about mothers and daughters, the relationships we form and the kinds of things we do to each other. Hopefully you and I will have a relationship very different from what it was like with my family – what it is like with my family.

I guess I’m just thinking about all of it so much more these days. Pretty soon you’ll be one whole year old! It’s amazing how our lives have changed so much in that short period! You have added so much laughter to our lives, so much fun - and also so much stress and so much work – all those poopy diapers and temper tantrums… all those hours we had to be awake with you at night… all those times we had to sing to you in the car to make it bearable for you on the way home from visiting Oma and Opa out in the countryside….

But it’s OK, really it is, ‘cause Papa and I both love you so much, you can’t possibly know until you have your own kids!